What a child watches doesn’t stay on the screen. It comes in through the eyes, and it becomes part of who they are: what they find normal, what they find funny, what they think a family sounds like.
That sounds big for a cartoon on a Tuesday. But your child doesn’t only watch what happens on screen. They watch how the people there treat each other: how they get angry, how they speak to a parent, what they do after a fight. That is the script, and children copy it.
Children copy the script, not the rating
In a famous study, young children watched an adult hit a doll on film. They copied it about as readily as children who saw it done in the room (Bandura, Ross and Ross, 1963).
The lesson can last. Researchers followed children aged 6 to 10 for 15 years. The ones who had watched more violence on TV were more aggressive adults (Huesmann and colleagues, 2003). That held even allowing for family background and how aggressive they were at the start.
Many family shows have no hitting at all. Their script is quieter: the shout that gets results, the put-down that gets the laugh, the door that slams while nobody says sorry. That is what children pick up. A child takes it to school, and later to their own kitchen table.
What “all ages” checks, and what it doesn’t
Age ratings do a real job. The TV labels in the US flag violence, sexual content, coarse language and suggestive dialogue. The BBFC’s U rating in the UK looks at violence, threat, language, drugs and discrimination, and asks that dangerous or antisocial behaviour a young child might copy is clearly shown as wrong. PEGI rates games for violence, bad language, fear, sex, drugs, gambling and discrimination.
But none of them is built to rate the everyday script: how the people on screen speak to each other, settle a fight or treat a parent. A put-down that gets a laugh, or a fight that ends with no sorry, can pass every label. A study of British television found more relational aggression (gossip, leaving people out, turning others against someone) in reality programmes than in other programmes, and insults were the most common kind of aggression of all (Coyne and colleagues, 2010). Some had plenty of it and no physical violence at all. That is the kind of thing age labels aren’t built to catch.
Which shows to watch closely
- Reality shows built on a fight. Many need an argument every episode to keep you watching. Children can learn that calm is boring and drama is normal.
- Sitcoms where the parent is the fool. The child gets the clever line, and the laugh track rewards the put-down. Children can learn that mocking wins.
- Cartoons where revenge is the joke. Someone is wronged, someone gets even, everyone laughs. Children can learn that getting even is fair.
And some shows model good scripts: a sorry said plainly, a loser who shakes hands, a parent who stays calm and firm. A review of many studies found the same effect working for good. Children who watch shows that model kindness and sharing tend to act that way more themselves (Mares and Woodard, 2005). The screen can teach good scripts as well as bad ones. The question is which this show teaches.
Pause, ask, rewrite
You can’t stand between your child’s eyes and every screen, and you don’t need to ban the show. You need to be in the room some of the time, with a question ready, so that what comes in gets talked about. Children whose parents talk with them about what is on screen tend to be less aggressive. Sitting beside them in silence does not have the same effect (Nathanson, 1999).
So at the next shout or put-down, press pause and ask three things.
- “What is this scene teaching?” Let your child name it in their own words.
- “Would that work in our house?” Mostly they already know it wouldn’t.
- “What could he say instead?” Then press play.
Twenty seconds, said kindly, and the script starts to lose its power. You haven’t spoiled the show. You’ve taught your child to watch it with a clear eye.
If it has already come in
Maybe your child already shouts like the character. Maybe you have heard the same line come out of your own mouth. Much of what came in through our own eyes, years ago, is still in us, and we never chose it. That is not a verdict. It is a habit, and habits can be changed.
The way out is the same at any age. Notice the script. Name it: “That’s the slammed-door move.” Then practise the new line until it comes first. It takes weeks, not days, and it is never too late to start.
Try it this week
- Take the 3-minute quiz What is this show teaching? on your child’s favourite show.
- Play Rewrite the Scene together, on this device with made-up shows or with a real show paused.
- Watch one episode with them, and press pause once.
- Pick one line of your own to rewrite, and tell your child you are working on it.
The quiz and the game are free. The quiz shows where one show stands on four scripts, and how much you watch it together. The game gives you and your child practice at spotting a script and saying a better line. For the ads and posts between the episodes, read Helping Your Child Think Before They Share.
