You ask once, nicely. You ask again. The third time you shout, and at last the shoes go on. Everyone leaves the house upset, and tomorrow it happens again.
If this is your morning, you are not a bad parent, and your child is not a bad child. Often the problem is the way we ask, not the child. And a request is something you can change today.
Why children don’t listen the first time
A child deep in play is rarely ignoring you on purpose. Their attention is full. Words called from another room often don’t reach them.
The words matter too. “Can you put your shoes on?” sounds like a question, so “no” sounds like a fair answer. “Teeth, bag, coat, and don’t forget your lunch” is four jobs. A young child may remember only the last one.
Shouting does work, for a moment. That is the problem. A child can learn that the first two requests don’t count, and that the loud one is the real one. So next time they wait for it.
4 steps for any request
Parenting courses have taught these steps for many years. The CDC (the US public health agency) gives parents of young children much the same advice. Get your child’s attention, say exactly what you want, and follow through every time. The steps suit children of about 3 to 12. With an older child, keep steps 1 to 3, and agree on step 4 together.
- Get their attention first. Go close. Say their name. Wait until they look at you.
- Say one clear thing. Make it a statement of what to do: “Shoes on, please.” Not a question, and not a list.
- Wait five seconds. Stay there and say nothing. It feels long. A child needs a moment to stop one thing and start another.
- Thank them, or follow through. If they do it: “Thanks for putting your shoes on.” If not, say it once more. Then calmly help them do it.
Step 4 is where the shouting usually starts, so plan it. Ask once, then once more, then calmly help. Do the same every time, and notice how often you need your loud voice.
Say what to do, not what to stop
“Stop running” tells a child what not to do. It doesn’t say what to do instead. “Walk, please” does.
- Instead of “Don’t shout”: “Quiet voice, please.”
- Instead of “Stop banging the car on the table”: “Drive the car on the floor, please.”
- Instead of “Stop jumping on the bed”: “Feet on the floor, please.”
Give a warning before fun ends
Stopping a game or a screen at once is hard for anyone. Give five minutes’ warning, and say what comes next: “Five more minutes, then it’s bath time.” When the five minutes are over, use the four steps.
Notice the listening
Most of us speak when a child doesn’t listen, and say nothing when they do. Try the opposite. When your child comes the first time, thank them for exactly that: “Thanks for coming as soon as I called.” Try three thank-yous a day for a week.
When it still doesn’t work
Every child ignores requests sometimes, more when tired, hungry or deep in play. Look at the moment before you look at the child. Is it always the same one: mornings, screens off, bedtime? Start there, with one request.
And when you do shout, as every parent does, put it right afterwards: “I’m sorry I shouted. I’ll ask again.” Your child learns from that too. There is more on this in The Words Your Child Will Hear for Life.
If listening is hard everywhere, at school too, ask your child’s doctor to check their hearing and attention.
Try it this week
- Take the 3-minute quiz Why won’t my child listen? It has ten statements about how you ask.
- Choose the hardest moment of your day, and use the four steps there every day.
- Give one five-minute warning a day.
- Thank your child three times a day for listening.
The quiz is free and needs no account. It is for parents of children aged 3 to 12. It looks at five habits: attention first, one clear instruction, a warning before changes, calm follow-through, and noticing the listening. You see which one or two to start with, and you get a seven-day plan. It is a quick self-check, not a test. For the moment just before you shout, try The Pause Button, a 60-second reset for parents.
